Sue Was Here
NOROVIRUS The hospital had the third outbreak of norovirus. Naturally, everyone used this as an excuse to stay off work. On the Monday before Christmas, the office was abandoned except for poor Sue, who was at her desk fielding the sick calls. Then Cecil – the Rolf Harris look-a-like – shuffled into the office without a word. He positioned his “wild outdoors” rucksack under the table. This guy was too secretive for my taste; with his weedy voice, and snivelling down-under manner. I pegged him for a perv. ‘Looks like just you, me and Sue today, matey,’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Got a lot on?’ ‘Oh yeah , hayps of work, be here till late I expect’ He was such a jerk, always doing overtime, another reason to suspect him. The phone rang and I ignored it. Cecil answered it. ‘Hi, this is duty, Cecil speaking, how can I assist you today?’ His voice went up a notch, ‘Oohhh bronwyn , daaaahling how are you?’ Brownyn Bouquet, top notch barrister, mad as a bag of cats ‘Now Bronwyn don’t do anything hasty dear, yes I’ll give you a home visit , sit tight dear, put the pills away.’ This woman had Cecil wrapped around her clit. She had quite a lot of spam for such a small tin. After the phone call, Cecil stood up in a hurry. ‘I know where you’re going you four-eyed freak ,’ I yelled. ‘Don’t try to fool me, you’re on your way to bang Bronwyn..’ ‘Watch your language young man! May I remind you that you are a public servant working in gov’t offices! ‘ ‘Wear a condom you bastard!’ I screamed. ‘The bitch has enough on her plate without having abort an freak’s spawn, just what that lady barrister needs wouldn’t you say?’ Cecil threw me a furious glare before chucking on his anorak and heading out the door for ‘an emergency home visit.’ Sue slammed down the phone. ‘Where’s he going?’ ‘He’s off to see Bronwyn.’ ‘Oh I see, so I’m expected to sit here and take his calls am I? Just look at all this paperwork on my desk! You wanna know what the NHS motto is? Fuck the environment and fuck the planet and fuck the trees!’ ‘All visits and appointments are off ‘cos of the virus outbreak. Cecil is going beyond the call of duty, that’s how he’ll frame it.’ ‘Looks like it’s just you and me then,’ said Sue. ‘I don’t know how they expect me to manage here on my own! I had to go for another check up last night. They handed me that thing.’ Sue went into full-flow. Given my own ‘little problem’ I found the subject distasteful, but I wasn’t about to interrupt. Not Sue. Wasn’t worth the grief. So I says to the doc, ‘what do you mean stick it in? Stick it in where, love?’ In the urethra he says, so I shoved it up me mini, as you do. He goes, ‘no, not there! Here!’ And ‘e’s wavin’ the arms, trying to give me a demonstration of where to put the thing. I says, ‘yeah, that’s where I put it! What’s the problem?’ So he goes off, fetches a mirror, shows me the exact spot. There it was, large as life, worse than the lock ness monster. I said ‘blow me! I never knew i had such a thing’ he goes yeah it’s your urthethra its where the urine flow comes from’. I goes, ‘I thought it come out of me mini, love.’ He goes, ‘oh no love, you’re mistaken,’ and he makes me look at me undercarraige and I goes ‘uuuhgggh that’s disgustin’ that is!’ I couldn’t bear to look. He goes, ‘what’s the matter, haven’t you ever looked at your vagina before?’ I goes, ‘no I have not!’ I goes, ‘how can a man do a job like this! Don’t it put you off women?’ He goes, ‘oh no, I love women’. I goes, ‘well that thing is disgustin’ that is. I said to my friends Martha and Val, I said, ‘blow me girls, I thought we only had two holes, one at the front and one at the back, but no, there’s another one, and it’s disgustin’ it is!’ I said to the doc, ‘fold all that up and put it back where it belongs!’ But he made me stand up, and there I was, standin’ and pissin’ like a man. I could’ve writ me name on the wall. Sue was here.